The spark in my life

When Rhea talks about her mother you can tell that her heart and head are full of thousands of vivid memories of her; all of her quirks and sayings and funny moments. She was one of a kind: courageous, free-spirited, generous and hilarious.

“The cancer definitely had to keep up with mum. She was a fabulous individual who enjoyed life to the fullest. She was involved in charity work in her community, particularly relating to young people’s wellbeing and mental health,” says Rhea.

Diane and Rhea

“She created this wonderful charity that was 20 years in the making, and really gave back a lot to young people. She loved them because they were just full of adventure and excitement and she loved tapping into that kind of energy.”

In the last years of her life, Diane, who was from Scotland, travelled to Turkey, South America, Egypt, Syria, Sri Lanka and Australia, all the while taking chemotherapy tablets to treat her cancer. “Mum’s doctors advised against it but mum just said, ‘I am doing this’, and she certainly didn’t do it by half,” laughs Rhea.

Diane even decided on a whim to dye her hair turquoise, telling a doctor during a chemotherapy session that the cancer had clearly gone to her head. He was in stitches.

Diane and her children having a ball on holiday

In the latter half of 2019, Rhea and her two daughters travelled to Scotland to be with her mum in the last months of her life. Then, in February 2020, this wonderful, vivacious woman died.

To honour her mother’s quirky, fun-loving spirit, Rhea and her siblings chose a sparkly turquoise coffin bejewelled with silver stars and made sure the hearse pulled over to the side of the road for a while so she would be late to her own funeral. “She was never on time,” says Rhea.

In the aftermath, Rhea was hit with a tidal wave of grief. “I could not believe that I had actually lost this person who was so amazing. Mum was the spark in my life,” she says.

You just need to call in the right support when you’re not coping because it’s okay not to cope.

Rhea wrestled with the grief on her own, then in March 2020, her maternal health nurse noticed she was not coping and referred her to Mercy Health’s Grief Services Coordinator and Counsellor Garrett O’Dowd. That was a turning point.

“Garrett has been amazing,” says Rhea. “He has shown me that grief is not a linear process and that I can manage it in a way that works for me.”

Garrett has tailored his advice to suit Rhea’s situation and personality. Being a scientist, Rhea is an analytical thinker, so Garrett has provided her with research papers about grief to help her to understand that what she is feeling is quite normal.

“I’m sure he doesn’t do that for everyone, because other people might not like this approach, but it has helped me and given me a sense of validation,” she says.

Diane and her granddaughter Imogen

Garrett has also taught Rhea how to practice ‘compassionate curiosity’, which, she says, “involves me exploring my feelings in a non-judgmental way and learning not to get worried or alarmed by my grief and the way it is making me feel and act, but to sit with it, understand it and be kind to myself.”

Rhea was also comforted when Garrett told her that the deep grief she feels about the loss of her mother is also an expression of the great love she had for her. “It was just so nice to hear that — it somehow softens what you’re going through.

“Grief touches on all facets and aspects of your life,” says Rhea, “and it definitely changes you, in some ways for the better.”

“It’s a really hard part of life and you can feel completely devastated, paralysed and lost. You just need to call in the right support when you’re not coping because it’s okay not to cope.”

For more information on Mercy Health Grief Services, visit: health-services.mercyhealth.com.au/service/mercy-grief-services or call 1300 369 019.